Getting ready to go no-where.

I was at work the other day when all of a sudden I remembered that a gay singles party was happening that night in town. I felt excited, like a little kid, getting ready to go on another adventure. I had never been to a singles night before and I was looking forward to experiencing something new. Of course I was nervous but at the same time I was excited. Excited about the mystery and the prospects of what might occur. 


I paid for my ticket, registered to the event online and finished my day at work. By the time I arrived home I had an hour and a half to kick back and relax before making my way to a night full of 'gidday, my name is...', 'I'm interested in...', 'I work as a...' and so on and so on.


Then, it came time to preparing. You know...making oneself comfortable enough to look and feel good. Well...I tried but it just went downhill from there. 


I don't think I'm great looking in the slightest. I don't have a buffed body or amazing hair. I'm bearded like a hillbilly and curse like a boozed one as well. I care a lot and love to listen to others but putting myself out there is not my strong point. I like to laugh and usually have a beer in hand but primming and propping myself to look like a Ken doll is not my game. 


Anyway...my point is, I tried on at least 5 different T-shirts, Jeans and shorts. Nothing seemed right. Nothing felt right. Even trying to do my hair took it out of me. I put in product, styled it but it looked like shit. So I washed it and tried to do it again. It ended up worse than the first time. I thought about wearing a hat but decided that would be a first encounter faux-pas. Nothing I did worked and it just made me feel worse than ever. I just wanted to make a great first impression. 


Once I had decided upon my attire for the night, I took one look at myself in the mirror...gritted my teeth and went back to my room to take it all off. 


I sat on my bed and felt like a failure. It takes a lot for me to build up the courage to go out to meet other gay guys. Needless to say my self esteem is shit but I try...some times. I became so angry with myself that I ended up going for a run to calm down. 


I missed the singles night intentionally and am trying to deal with the mental repercussions of my decision. I know I'm suppose to go out and experience the gay world but I am realizing that, no matter how much one tries, personal issues can block the way towards further progress. And sometimes those issues become overwhelming. So much so that habitually one tends to fall back to their safe place. For me...that's my bedroom. Which is where I stayed the rest of the night.