The one aspect I hate the most about being gay is constantly feeling like I need to validate being a man. It's a feeling I have often and evolves innately. No one tells me I'm less than one, it's just me trying to normalize my mentality and my masculinity in the world.
The problem I have with trying to validate my man-ness is that in turn it de-validates my sexuality. It's like a vicious circle where one tries to play off against the other. It's a game of tug of war where in the end no-one really ends. No. One.
When my friends find out I'm gay I instantly feel like less of a man. Like it's the worst sin in the world and the guys are now going to think of me as nothing but, "the gay mate." This of course does not happen. The guys still joke with me and I am still invited around to drink beers with them.
Yet again, something does change. Me. For example, when I am out with the lads and we talk about girls, I make it known that I dig a nice pair of legs on a red head. The guys become confused about this thinking that a gay guy can only like men. I then talk up some bullocks about how I have been with a chick (I have) and still find them hot. The guys seem to chill out after that comment and we all laugh and joke once again. They think I must be bisexual which ashamedly is better than being straight up gay.
I am disgusted with myself when I do this. It borders on cowardice and I regret it every time I do it. But I just want to feel like a lad amongst the lads. I don't want them to look at me and think of me as a gay man first and a person later. I just want them to look at me as their mate sen gayness.
Is it wrong to want this?
Omg, for one thing i just started reading your blogs and i think you are an excellent writer. But i love this post soo much because i relate to its much! I often find myself doing this and i hate it when i do this. But it all helps me feel like I'm "one of they guys" but then i feel wierd inside because mydick is telling me, you're one of the gays. Then i get more in touch with my feminine side and i like and admire it, but then i feel as though i give up my manly sense of being. Great post.
ReplyDeleteI dont know about you guys but when i chilled with guy they treate me like a cool gay guy ,i dont talk about girls o sex ,when they talk i just keep quiet and then,you should try to bring gay topics and star laughing at they reaction and trust me they will stat accepting you guys as gay man
ReplyDelete