The punishments of being a 'sort-of' man

The one aspect I hate the most about being gay is constantly feeling like I need to validate being a man. It's a feeling I have often and evolves innately. No one tells me I'm less than one, it's just me trying to normalize my mentality and my masculinity in the world. 


The problem I have with trying to validate my man-ness is that in turn it de-validates my sexuality. It's like a vicious circle where one tries to play off against the other. It's a game of tug of war where in the end no-one really ends. No. One. 


When my friends find out I'm gay I instantly feel like less of a man. Like it's the worst sin in the world and the guys are now going to think of me as nothing but, "the gay mate." This of course does not happen. The guys still joke with me and I am still invited around to drink beers with them. 


Yet again, something does change. Me. For example, when I am out with the lads and we talk about girls, I make it known that I dig a nice pair of legs on a red head. The guys become confused about this thinking that a gay guy can only like men. I then talk up some bullocks about how I have been with a chick (I have) and still find them hot. The guys seem to chill out after that comment and we all laugh and joke once again. They think I must be bisexual which ashamedly is better than being straight up gay.


I am disgusted with myself when I do this. It borders on cowardice and I regret it every time I do it. But I just want to feel like a lad amongst the lads. I don't want them to look at me and think of me as a gay man first and a person later. I just want them to look at me as their mate sen gayness.


Is it wrong to want this?  

Beginnings, Endings and all that Grey area in-between.

The skinny is this. I am approaching 30 and whilst I am so excited about my new decade coming up I also have to realize that I have never been in a relationship with a man. I've tried, believe me, but I've never cemented anything where I could turn around and call someone my boyfriend. In addition, I've never really been an avid fan of the gay scene. It all gets to be a bit too much. 

Don't worry, this is not a pity party blog. I won't be pouring my woes out on the internet. I quite like who I am and what I do in this world. Instead I'm blogging for two reasons alone...to find out what makes the 21st century gay man tick and to see how a non-scene gay man experiences the gay scene.

To do that I will be delving into the world of the gays and all their fabulousness-ness-ness. It's going to be exciting (I hope) and with lots of color. It's all about embracing the challenge with an open mind and a huge smile.

So come along for the ride. It'll be fun.    

Stay Cool. Stay Classy. 

Curious Ky.