So I am sitting here watching the latest Drew Barrymore and Justin Long film. It's funny but on a low brow "hardy har har I know how it's going to end" way. They're doing the long distance thing, seeing each other once every second blue moon and though it's hard they travel and chat because they seem to really love each other (obviously in the movies).
Typically I hate these films. Especially when they arrive at the moment when they realize they love each other and they kiss and fucking violins play in the background. But somehow it's affecting, especially to someone like me who has never been in a relationship.
I've been telling myself for a long time now that i'll most probably end up alone. I'll be gay, working as a magazine writer, happy as Larry but alone. Sometimes I accept that future. It's safe and allows me to concentrate on my career. Plus...when I go out I don't have to spend hours getting ready. I just throw on my trusty flannel shirt and ripped jeans and i'm out the door. Whenever I feel lonesome, I remind myself that if anyone was interested in me they would have made it clear by now. But no one has and to me I cannot feel a loss for something I never had. Like love.
Then I think about my future with someone. Someone nice...caring...funny and likes to eat pizza. I smile just thinking about it. I imagine us loving each other and living together with a family. I have my career and all seems swell. But that's where it stops. It's just a fantasy...right? And before the fantasy gets better I kill it off just as fast as it starts.
Not having love in my life has been hard enough. Accepting it...the hardest. And now that I am approaching 30, finding someone to love becomes harder to engage in, both emotionally and mentally (which in turn affects the physically). It's almost like i'm a child to this type of experience. Unsure of myself and unsure of how and what to do.
But the terror lies in fear knowing that if I find someone, only to give up my vulnerabilities and then have them leave...well...I would feel the fool in the tale. It would have been better to have nothing to begin with. There are people who would say at least you took a risk, that's the main thing...whatever 'thing' means. But the risk fails and teaches me that love isn't gold.
Right now...Justin and Drew are kissing and instead of violins, it's a band. It's an ever after winner. Of course. But it's still only a film.
So why do I feel so sad?
I found this blog by chance last night. I was typing keywords like 'lonely' / 'alone' / etc. on google and found your blog.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have experienced (according to your 4 posts) are exactly what I am going through:
* Prepared to be alone in my whole life.
* Never been in a relationship (I am 2 years older than you!)
* Not interested in those dating parties
* Not interest in online dating sites
* Try to comfort myself by telling myself that I could focus entirely on my career.
* Low self-esteem and self-image
* The place that I feel most comfortable with is my bedroom!
But I do think being alone does not mean I am lonely. Aloneness and loneliness are 2 different matters.
May I ask if you have come out to your parents/friends? I have never come out to anyone, and I plan to keep it as a secret for my whole life (just don't want to do make my parents ashamed/unhappy, and I dont want people to interpret me differently)
I am an Asian living in an African country, so the dating pool is extremly small...
I hope to see my posts by you in future. Are you still planning to update this blog?
Interesting articles and nice writing.
ReplyDeleteI'm 42 and have only had a couple of short relationships. As the reality of gay marriage spreads and will probably come to Australia at some stage, it is hitting me just how pathetic it is to have never had a stable long term relationship. It is quite difficult.
I think through our 20s and 30s too many gay men spend too much time having sex and ought to make more effort to build relationships. The problem is the easy availability of sex.
I suppose a solution is to control ourselves & focus on good old fashioned dating. I think there are some gay men out there who appreciate this approach - they are the ones who end up in stable relationships.
All I can say is take advantage of being 30 because it doesn't get easier as you get older. Put yourself out there and look for the non-sleazy types who want to date, and are interested in something more serious, rather than hookups.
You are obviously an intelligent, reflective, thoughtful person - in a world where a large number of people (gay and straight) are somewhat shallow, I'm sure you can attract a similar mate.
However, people aren't attracted to negativity & low self esteem. Perhaps gay counselling or group therapy could help you accept being gay. Well, I can see you accept it, but you seem negative about it.
Not that I'm one to talk. I've had years of struggling against being gay and not succeeding. Finally I have realised how ridiculous it is to fight it.
It is only recently I've started to really accept it & am becoming comfortable about being gay. I wasted a lot of years wanting to not be gay. By accepting it, I have become happier and feel more free.
It means I have started to work on myself with the aim of meeting someone and having a proper stable relationship, and I am pretty optimistic.
Anyway, the fact that you're writing these articles show you will never truly be comfortable with the idea of being alone, which is a good thing. Don't give up on it!
Hello to both of you. Firstly, thank you for leaving comments. I really do appreciate it. Initially my aim for writing these posts were to vent my thoughts as I needed somewhere to write and construct some kind of sense of what was going on in me. Andrew, you are right, one needs to work on themselves in order to feel better about their life and more importantly their outlook on life. I have done a lot since my last post like feeling positive and confident in who I am and whom I want to attract and about how and where I want my life to lead. I've always said to others that one way you can tell what kind of person you are is to look at the friends that accompany you. If you love hanging with them cos you know they are good people then reflectively you should be a good person as well.
ReplyDeleteI am 30 now and I am loving it!!! Anon, I have come out to my family and friends. I have been out since early 2000's. Now, this does not mean I became comfortable with it. In fact, as Andrew has pointed out, I reacted rather negatively about being gay. I thought when people found out that I was gay, they would see me as being just gay and not a person. And yeah, sure, there are people who do presume that, but those people are strangers to me. My friends and family do not treat me like that at all.
One of the greatest discoveries about turning 30 is that, i've found it easier to meet guys who are looking for the same relationship as me. This is brilliant as I no longer feel attracted to having one night stands or giving my time to those I feel would waste it. Guys at our ages ARE interested in finding someone to love. This to me is AMAZING.
I hope I don't jinx this but I have someone great and creative and kind. I don't know if it's going to last but that is something I cannot control. What I am telling myself is to enjoy it because he is worth the time. That's all one can really hope for at the moment.
Lads...I wish I could continue this blogspot but unfortunately I have several other projects I need to concentrate on. Andrew...all the best matey and I hope you keep up the positive attitude cos it pays off. Anon...my friend...please look to yourself and know you are a great person. You are great because you are here on this planet to be someone amazing. I'm not going to tell you to come out to your family. That is a decision one should make alone and when they feel it best. What I would like to say is, I hope you find happiness. In yourself, in your life, in what you do. No one has the power to make you feel inferior without your consent. All the best dude.
Take care guys. ML.
I like this blog. im inly 24 but i can relate to what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteSo how is everything these days?
ReplyDeleteHi.. did you ever get unlonely?
ReplyDeletehttp://ouroddviewonlife.blogspot.co.il/
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult. Im trying to work this through for myself. i don't want to accept thati'll go through life and never feel romantic love so i think i need to exercise my demons before i come to the conclusion that i will never find love. is this something you've done?
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult. Im trying to work this through for myself. i don't want to accept thati'll go through life and never feel romantic love so i think i need to exercise my demons before i come to the conclusion that i will never find love. is this something you've done?
ReplyDeleteThis blog explain my situatiom but it also helps realize how we as gay behave and act , im 23 and i never being a real relationship beside one night stands and few sex buddy but i do ask that question at night am i going to be alone forever , will he be there when i get old ,i feel like im still young but i feel someday im not going to be this young and be old,but the good thing i have a big sense pf hummor so i i end up alone and old im pretty sure
ReplyDeleteIm going to be making mad jokes
Even if is to myself, never lose hope and go out there and party and drink and meet guys and live ane have fun , thats how i try to live having fun and just laugh at lot cuz when im old and hopefully not byself or even if im, im going to say i least i try it