Is it better to have and lose...or have nothing to begin with?

So I am sitting here watching the latest Drew Barrymore and Justin Long film. It's funny but on a low brow "hardy har har I know how it's going to end" way. They're doing the long distance thing, seeing each other once every second blue moon and though it's hard they travel and chat because they seem to really love each other (obviously in the movies).


Typically I hate these films. Especially when they arrive at the moment when they realize they love each other and they kiss and fucking violins play in the background. But somehow it's affecting, especially to someone like me who has never been in a relationship.


I've been telling myself for a long time now that i'll most probably end up alone. I'll be gay, working as a magazine writer, happy as Larry but alone. Sometimes I accept that future. It's safe and allows me to concentrate on my career. Plus...when I go out I don't have to spend hours getting ready. I just throw on my trusty flannel shirt and ripped jeans and i'm out the door. Whenever I feel lonesome, I remind myself that if anyone was interested in me they would have made it clear by now. But no one has and to me I cannot feel a loss for something I never had. Like love.


Then I think about my future with someone. Someone nice...caring...funny and likes to eat pizza. I smile just thinking about it. I imagine us loving each other and living together with a family. I have my career and all seems swell. But that's where it stops. It's just a fantasy...right? And before the fantasy gets better I kill it off just as fast as it starts. 


Not having love in my life has been hard enough. Accepting it...the hardest. And now that I am approaching 30, finding someone to love becomes harder to engage in, both emotionally and mentally (which in turn affects the physically). It's almost like i'm a child to this type of experience. Unsure of myself and unsure of how and what to do. 


But the terror lies in fear knowing that if I find someone, only to give up my vulnerabilities and then have them leave...well...I would feel the fool in the tale. It would have been better to have nothing to begin with. There are people who would say at least you took a risk, that's the main thing...whatever 'thing' means. But the risk fails and teaches me that love isn't gold. 


Right now...Justin and Drew are kissing and instead of violins, it's a band. It's an ever after winner. Of course. But it's still only a film. 


So why do I feel so sad? 

Getting ready to go no-where.

I was at work the other day when all of a sudden I remembered that a gay singles party was happening that night in town. I felt excited, like a little kid, getting ready to go on another adventure. I had never been to a singles night before and I was looking forward to experiencing something new. Of course I was nervous but at the same time I was excited. Excited about the mystery and the prospects of what might occur. 


I paid for my ticket, registered to the event online and finished my day at work. By the time I arrived home I had an hour and a half to kick back and relax before making my way to a night full of 'gidday, my name is...', 'I'm interested in...', 'I work as a...' and so on and so on.


Then, it came time to preparing. You know...making oneself comfortable enough to look and feel good. Well...I tried but it just went downhill from there. 


I don't think I'm great looking in the slightest. I don't have a buffed body or amazing hair. I'm bearded like a hillbilly and curse like a boozed one as well. I care a lot and love to listen to others but putting myself out there is not my strong point. I like to laugh and usually have a beer in hand but primming and propping myself to look like a Ken doll is not my game. 


Anyway...my point is, I tried on at least 5 different T-shirts, Jeans and shorts. Nothing seemed right. Nothing felt right. Even trying to do my hair took it out of me. I put in product, styled it but it looked like shit. So I washed it and tried to do it again. It ended up worse than the first time. I thought about wearing a hat but decided that would be a first encounter faux-pas. Nothing I did worked and it just made me feel worse than ever. I just wanted to make a great first impression. 


Once I had decided upon my attire for the night, I took one look at myself in the mirror...gritted my teeth and went back to my room to take it all off. 


I sat on my bed and felt like a failure. It takes a lot for me to build up the courage to go out to meet other gay guys. Needless to say my self esteem is shit but I try...some times. I became so angry with myself that I ended up going for a run to calm down. 


I missed the singles night intentionally and am trying to deal with the mental repercussions of my decision. I know I'm suppose to go out and experience the gay world but I am realizing that, no matter how much one tries, personal issues can block the way towards further progress. And sometimes those issues become overwhelming. So much so that habitually one tends to fall back to their safe place. For me...that's my bedroom. Which is where I stayed the rest of the night.

The punishments of being a 'sort-of' man

The one aspect I hate the most about being gay is constantly feeling like I need to validate being a man. It's a feeling I have often and evolves innately. No one tells me I'm less than one, it's just me trying to normalize my mentality and my masculinity in the world. 


The problem I have with trying to validate my man-ness is that in turn it de-validates my sexuality. It's like a vicious circle where one tries to play off against the other. It's a game of tug of war where in the end no-one really ends. No. One. 


When my friends find out I'm gay I instantly feel like less of a man. Like it's the worst sin in the world and the guys are now going to think of me as nothing but, "the gay mate." This of course does not happen. The guys still joke with me and I am still invited around to drink beers with them. 


Yet again, something does change. Me. For example, when I am out with the lads and we talk about girls, I make it known that I dig a nice pair of legs on a red head. The guys become confused about this thinking that a gay guy can only like men. I then talk up some bullocks about how I have been with a chick (I have) and still find them hot. The guys seem to chill out after that comment and we all laugh and joke once again. They think I must be bisexual which ashamedly is better than being straight up gay.


I am disgusted with myself when I do this. It borders on cowardice and I regret it every time I do it. But I just want to feel like a lad amongst the lads. I don't want them to look at me and think of me as a gay man first and a person later. I just want them to look at me as their mate sen gayness.


Is it wrong to want this?  

Beginnings, Endings and all that Grey area in-between.

The skinny is this. I am approaching 30 and whilst I am so excited about my new decade coming up I also have to realize that I have never been in a relationship with a man. I've tried, believe me, but I've never cemented anything where I could turn around and call someone my boyfriend. In addition, I've never really been an avid fan of the gay scene. It all gets to be a bit too much. 

Don't worry, this is not a pity party blog. I won't be pouring my woes out on the internet. I quite like who I am and what I do in this world. Instead I'm blogging for two reasons alone...to find out what makes the 21st century gay man tick and to see how a non-scene gay man experiences the gay scene.

To do that I will be delving into the world of the gays and all their fabulousness-ness-ness. It's going to be exciting (I hope) and with lots of color. It's all about embracing the challenge with an open mind and a huge smile.

So come along for the ride. It'll be fun.    

Stay Cool. Stay Classy. 

Curious Ky.